Twelve Steps to Success

A male acquaintance told me the other day that people worship their yoga teachers. Something about an aura.

I cannot believe I have yet to exploit this phenomenon, abandoning computer dating sites in favor of automatically becoming the object of affection for thousands. Just by virtue of wearing spandex and touting the benefits of spiritual awareness and being present. I've already got several fantasies going: Nice downward dog, sir, but let me demonstrate again so you can see it from the rear; excuse me sir, do you think this warrior pose makes my ass look fat; young man, do you mind if I adjust your stance a bit? Oy, I'm already in a sweat.

Yes, I can see how expanding my yoga teaching career beyond my loyal cadre of like-minded middle aged women could expand my chances for finding the man of my dreams. But it seems like an awful lot of work. Another male acquaintance recently told me that the best place to meet women is AA meetings.After all, where would one find so many folks whose self-esteem is so low they'd be willing to date even the worst mess? Now we're talkin'; there's something I might want to exploit.

Nobody needs to know that my addictions have never revolved around alcohol. After all, it should be quite sufficient to be able to demonstrate that I am a lifelong fuck-up, that my past behavior is something that forever haunts me, something that can define the rest of my days if I let it. Screw being present and living in the moment; wallowing in past failures and acknowledging that I will always be one slip-up away from repeating them in the future certainly seems like less work than maintaining a lithe physique and squeezing into spandex and pretending to "be present." Yes, AA meetings are definitely something to explore.

As a yoga instructor, you're expected to live up to some physical and spiritual ideal. As an AA participant, as I see it anyway, the physical and spiritual ideal is much more attainable; I defy anyone to tell me it's difficult to portray yourself as the sorriest, drooling, impaired individual in the room. The worse your story, the more appealing you are. Sign me up!

In the world outside an AA meeting, in the world of pristine yoga studios and cut throat computer dating and pressure to strive for perfection, the odds are against most of us. You start unloading your baggage out there and you can be pretty darn sure the potential suitors are going to send you packing.