Speaking Softly With a Big Stick

The latest picture to have surfaced of esteemed Congressman Anthony Weiner has him shirtless in a gym, wearing just a towel around his waist and grabbing his crotch. I think he's trying to tell us something.

Well, we all know there are more effective ways of holding up a towel, and there are certainly more effective ways of communicating ones needs, but Weiner's weiner seems to have achieved a level of versatility that makes it the best multitasker ever. It speaks, it demonstrates, it virtually screams Look at me! It's a penis on steroids, a member that belongs nowhere but seems to pop up everywhere, getting itself heard.

Manny is struggling to be heard these days. He has forgotten how to bark. Ever since Leo disappeared -- inexplicably, as far as Manny is concerned -- he is silent. He was never much of a barker, but as long as Leo was doing it, he'd chime in. At passersby, when he needed to go out, when I was a little late getting breakfast in the bowls. Now blind, Manny is unaware of passersby, he pees on the kitchen floor to let me know he recently needed to go out, and he musters up an almost inaudible squeak when he's hungry. I never thought I'd miss the barking, but barking is power, and barking is information. I'm as lost without the noise as Manny is without his mentor.

Maybe Manny can take a page from Weiner's book, use his penis to accomplish what simple words cannot express. Maybe he can learn to just grab onto it when he needs to pee, lick it when he's hungry, wave it around when someone strolls by. Like Weiner's weiner, it could speak volumes, if only Manny would just use his imagination.

It's all about finding your voice, and if somebody wants to talk with his penis, who are we to judge? There's certainly no ambiguity in the messages conveyed by Weiner's infamous weiner, and it's become a voice that's easily recognizable. Naturally his constituents are reluctant to call for his resignation; his very capable and articulate penis has pretty much put them on the map.

Manny managed to emit a tentative bark yesterday, and I was able to accommodate his wishes (which involved getting his fat ass up on the bed) promptly. If he knew how well I understand his simple vocalizations, he could avoid the whole weiner-speak concept indefinitely. As enticing as it might be for a woman to receive messages from a penis, this woman has had to put up with enough dicks lately.

I certainly hope Manny continues to massage his vocal chords rather than, well, you know. A little barking here and there would be music to my ears.