Don's Ho?

No, I have not hit menopause and grown a green goatee. That's me in my hula skirt. (An old friend I haven't seen in a while claimed to miss my smiling face and complained that I don't even put hot pictures of myself on my blog, so who am I to deprive anyone of a little bit of eye candy.)

Actually, the "hula spud" photo is the profile picture I've used on various dating sites, which explains why my inbox overflows daily with the involuntary eye twitches of cyber winkers. Really, who could resist? No worries, blog fans, I have not broken my vow of silence in the computer dating world, but the emails will continue to flow in for a hottie like me until my subscriptions run out, and, if you do the math, it's cheaper (and often more entertaining) than going to the movies.

This morning I woke to a wink from a guy who at least knows, if not what he wants, what he doesn't want, and is clearly fed up with all the women who just don't measure up. His somewhat angry profile amounted to a laundry list of do not contact me ifs. Do not contact me if you are over fifty-four. Do not contact me if you are looking for a loan. Do not contact me if you have no pictures. Do not contact me if you are not athletic, or if you like to talk about your ex. Do not contact me if you include cats in your pictures, although dogs are okay. The list was endless. Frankly, given his incredibly high standards, I'm kind of flattered I made the cut on his winking expedition.

If it weren't for my vow of silence, I'd seriously consider responding because I like a guy who demands the best and isn't willing to settle. Okay, I admit it. I'm competitive and I just want to see if I can be the one to turn things around for this perennial nay-sayer (kind of like turning a gay man straight). And I definitely agree with him on the dog/cat thing, although I'm not quite certain what that says about the two middle aged women who flank him in his profile picture. My rule of thumb has been to keep everyone else out of my photos -- human or animal -- just so nobody gets the wrong idea.

I do like to give potential suitors a variety of views, so, hypothetically of course, if I contact Mr. Do Not I would add another photo or two to my montage. I was thinking about this one:

I was wearing Spanx, which is why I look less like a smoking hot potato than a stick figure with about as much sex appeal as a frozen French fry, but some people go for that sort of thing. At least my lips look extra full and pouty (the fat has to go somewhere!).

Why torture the poor fellow though, just to stoke my own ego. (And why break any more vows?) My plump lips remain sealed.