Such a Deal

It's Cyber Monday. The red light on my blackberry began flashing in the wee hours of the morning, and I woke to an inbox filled with news of online shopping deals. Deals for clothing, accessories, exercise classes, electronics, pet supplies. No stone has been left unturned, no price tag unslashed, just in case a weekend of the modestly named Black Friday deals was insufficient.

For the crowd phobic among us, and for the occasional misanthrope, Cyber Monday is a welcome relief, a good excuse to sit on our asses and drink hot chocolate and drain our bank accounts without having so much as an accidental shoulder brush with another human being, certainly without fear of any human conversation. It's not just about good deals and staying in your sweats all day, though. There are other benefits to online shopping, bonuses far more valuable than your garden variety 25% off coupon, particularly when it comes to clothing. For one thing, you don't have to try anything on.

Even with expedited shipping, you get a few extra days to shed some Thanksgiving stuffing before facing the cold, hard truth. Staring at the computer screen at the models on a Victoria's Secret website can be so much less painful than gazing at your own reflection in the full length mirror in your bedroom. No rolls of fat spilling over lacy underpants, no unfilled spaces in bra cups while boobs with minds of their own spill out under armpits, no back fat. No stretched out clothing hanging haphazardly on a dusty treadmill in the background. As you sit covered from head to toe in stretchy clothing that doesn't squeeze and pinch and constantly call attention to your love handles, it's easy to imagine yourself looking as sleek and taut and glistening (glistening, I said, not drenched from a hot flash) as the models do in the slinky undergarments. And you can live that dream until the UPS guy arrives later in the week, maybe on Reality Check Thursday. Which, naturally, will lead into the blackest of Fridays.

I think I will take advantage of Cyber Monday, just so I can enjoy a bit of a Delusional Tuesday and a Keep-the-Blinders-On-for-One-More-Day Wednesday. The ego shattering package will arrive soon enough. It will, no doubt, take a few days for me to recover, just in time for Granny Pants Saturday.