I like my steak well done, I enjoy country music, and Maxwell House commercials have always made me cry. Okay, now you know my deepest, darkest secrets.
Apparently, I got nothin' on a growing group of orthodox Jews. According to an article forwarded to me by a friend, there is a website that sells kosher sex toys. What? Circumcised dildos? Blow up dolls wearing long skirts and wigs? Stimulating creams that taste like brisket? I looked beneath the headline at the picture of red furry handcuffs. I took out my reading glasses so I could see better, but I could not detect any stamped rabbinical blessings or sprinkles of salt.
Nope, it's nothing like that. Rather, it's just another fiction -- kind of like the shabbos goy thing. Your garden variety vibrator, penis ring, or pair of furry handcuffs can be deemed kosher as long as it doesn't come with graphic pictorial instructions and as long as it's marketed only to married couples. That's almost as funny as the idea of Smirnoff flavored vodkas being marketed to anyone over the age of nineteen.
All I can say is thank god -- any god -- for religion. It gives us permission to do what we otherwise wouldn't. Like ride in an elevator on Saturday as long as a gentile pushes the button, or handcuff your spouse to the bed after you light the Shabbat candles, or, if you're into really liberal interpretations, kill thousands in the name of Allah. Or, if you depend on experts like Pat Robertson for guidance, divorce your spouse because he or she has Alzheimer's. I am not making this up. Divorce is still taboo for silly reasons like, say, mutual loathing, but if your partner of many years suddenly becomes a bit dotty, according to Pat, it's okay to bail. Now I may not be the best person to ask what Jesus would do, but I'd be willing to bet my favorite vibrator that divorcing an Alzheimer's patient would not be his first choice.
And to think I used to blush when I ordered my steak well done.
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