The Alchemist

The already disturbing concept of the shabbos goy has been taken to a new level. Somewhere in the West Bank, an Orthodox rabbi has set up a computer dating site, well, more like a computer breeding site, to bring together gay men and lesbian women who wish to have children.

Granted, there are a lot of things in life I don't understand, but this one is giving me a particularly healthy dose of confusion. According to the rabbi, the service -- which has existed for several years but only just went on line last month -- will help orthodox homosexuals to fulfill the biblical commandment to have children in a way that is consistent with Orthodox Jewish law.

Okay, let's review. Create a loveless marriage (always good for the kids), and expect people as unlikely to have sex with each other as a camel is to have sex with a chicken to have sex in some sort of biblically acceptable way, which I assume does not involve major electronics and porn. Then, there's the somewhat sticky issue (pardon the word choice) of irrepressible desires by both parties to go outside the marriage to satisfy their sexual needs. The rabbi has created a wonderful fiction for this -- Jews are great at creating fictions -- noting that as long as each partner is aware that the other is "dating" it's not really infidelity. Solid.

Aren't there enough fucked up people in the West Bank? It's bad enough to live under constant threat of attack; why create a micro-generation of kids whose parents find each other repulsive from the beginning, who are so busy fantasizing about the sex lives that should have been they can barely focus on taping both sides of a diaper? Frankly, it surprises me that there is even a market for this kind of thing in the West Bank. Who has time to worry about sexual orientation when every day brings with it an overwhelming threat of death and destruction?

The rabbi seems confident that, with the right chemistry, a gay man and a lesbian can consummate a marriage. I realize my evidence is purely anecdotal, but I actually once had a conversation about blow jobs with my gay friend. I expressed my theory that a blow job is a blow job, and any red-blooded male -- gay or straight -- would be hard pressed to turn one down. Had it not been for the look of complete disgust on his face when I suggested to him he would happily accept a blow job from a woman, I would say the rabbi has a point. But, alas, I

think he's mistaken. Even Hollywood backs me up. There's a reason Harry is in awe when he watches Sally's awesome rendition of a woman faking it; it's just one of the many things that women can do well and men cannot do at all. And, yet, we still have to fight for equal pay.

There is no shortage of controversy in the Orthodox community regarding the matchmaking rabbi. Many just argue that things be done the old-fashioned way -- a little encouragement, a little therapy, and you simply "fix" these people.

I wonder how many Orthodox rabbis have ever done well in high school chemistry.