Reconstituting the Meat

I read an article the other day that referred to the matrimonial law system as a "psychological meat grinder." Could not have said it better myself.

Ironically, as our judge pointed out several times yesterday, it is a system designed to protect everyone -- not just the litigants, but their children -- and, theoretically, help folks in the midst of divorce move on as quickly as possible and put the pieces of their lives back together. Yet here we are, twenty months into a filing, still nowhere (although, when we return to court Wednesday without even so much as a temporary arrangement, I am certain anybody (ahem) who misunderstood the judge's statements will be sorely disappointed by her recommendations).

Illinois, like many states, has "no fault" divorce. It doesn't matter who had an affair, who was emotionally abusive, who was an alcoholic, who was a deserter. Everybody is entitled to extract him or herself from an unholy state of matrimony. But then there is the whole concept of equitable division of property, and here's where the court can take into account (if the parties fail to, on their own) questions of fairness and individual wrongdoing. Who was the primary breadwinner, what was the family's living standard, how will minor children best be protected. If there are financial problems, were they unavoidable or the fault of one party, and who should pay the price?

It's all very well intentioned, actually, but the judge, unfortunately, cannot force a deal, cannot stop the parties from forging ahead to a trial, paying astronomical fees that will further deplete the marital estate. I, personally, am taking it on faith that my husband, like me, wants to move on, and that our lawyers are sufficiently ethical to stop throwing good money away. Only time will tell.

Experts have long debated whether divorce causes lasting psychological damage to children. In my case, at least, I think not. My kids would all agree that, as much as they love both their mother and their father, they love us best when we are apart.

It's the psychological meat grinder that causes the damage. The sniping where there was none before, the fear of getting lost in the shuffle, or the nervous anticipation of being uprooted. My kids -- even the "emancipated" or soon to be emancipated ones -- want out of the meat grinder, but are even more powerless than I am to stop what has become a runaway train.

All I can do is keep my fingers crossed. My husband and I are on the same page as far as our children are concerned. Neither one of us wishes them to suffer. The system, and the law, agrees. In theory. Sometimes you just have to pull the plug on the grinder.