The One That Got Away

My friend's son recently saw a lobster crossing the street. Right here in Wilmette, Illinois, about as far from an ocean as one can get. Fresh Lake Michigan lobster? I'm skeptical.

The sight stopped the young man in his tracks; mesmerized, he watched the black sea creature claw its way down the pavement, a veritable fish out of water determined to find its way. And then, the sickening crunch. The poor guy had almost gotten away, had no doubt fallen off the back of a restaurant truck filled with his brethren, all headed to a horrific death of being plunged, live, into a pot of boiling water. At least he had a taste of freedom, probably had no idea what hit him.

Lobster salad, right there on a street in Wilmette. Not the kind of lobster salad that's been sold for years by the venerable Zabar's in New York City, a lobster salad that, oops, contains no lobster at all. Wild fresh water crayfish salad is what the stuff really is, the stuff for which they've been charging $16.95 a pound. A distant cousin of Maine lobster, claims Saul Zabar, the current owner of the beloved New York institution. And, he reasoned, they'd have to charge way more if they really used Maine lobster, the cousin with true pedigree. My guess is they'd have to charge a lot less if they actually called it "wild fresh water crayfish salad." Let's call a crustacean a crustacean.

Under pressure from the Maine lobster folks, Zabar's changed the name of the salad to "seafare salad." They can probably squeeze some really distant cousins in now under that label. A few bottom feeders, some catfish, maybe a jelly fish or two. And it's Zabar's for goodness sake; $16.95 a pound is worth it, just to be seen on the street with the shopping bag.

As far as I'm concerned, though, one betrayal means there are others yet to be discovered. Is the chicken soup my mother loves from The Vinegar Factory (brother Eli Zabar's joint) really pigeon stew? Are there poor relatives lurking in other Zabar delicacies? There are people, I'm sure, who will look the other way about the lobster ruse, but for people like me, who have major trust issues, there will always be that hint of suspicion, that scintilla of doubt.

I'll never know where the lobster on the street in Wilmette came from, or where he was headed. But there's one thing I know for sure: it wasn't Zabar's.