Un-Settlement Talks

Yesterday, I played one of my shittiest tennis match ever. I started out strong -- could almost taste a win as I moved methodically through the first few games. I was even feeling sorry for my opponent. It was, needless to say, a bit premature.

As she began to warm up and respond with some good shots of her own, I fell into my nasty old habit of playing not to lose. I was willing to settle for winning ugly, which might have made some sense had I continued to win. But I got complacent and tentative and refused to take risks, and I began to lose. Badly. The sharpness with which I had gone out onto the court disappeared, and my game turned into complete slop. I was not happy; not because I lost, but because I lost ugly.

There's a life lesson in all this somewhere, which is a good thing since I have to come up with some sage advice for my daughter and her friends when they graduate from college in a few weeks. Seriously; one of the moms is preparing cards with all the pearls of wisdom offered up by the parents. Up until yesterday, I had nothing. I was going to steal the advice my friend Cherry gave her daughter at her bat mitzvah, which was to always wear comfortable shoes. But stealing is bad, and, anyway, I'd like to offer up some advice that my daughter might actually follow.

I'm reluctant to use my tennis game as a source for profound advice, though. As much as I'd like to tell all my children that they should always play to win, that sounds a bit cut throat. Sure, playing not to lose is often a losing proposition, but the last thing I want to tell my daughter is that she should live her life as a cool, calculating, bloodless competitor.

So I think I'm going to go with "never settle." Sometimes, that will involve playing to win, but I want her to focus on her own life, her own happiness. Never settling doesn't mean you have to bring someone else down in the process. I just want to know that she will take care of herself, that she won't be afraid to take an occasional leap of faith every now and then if it will help lead her to something better than "good enough."

Ever since I changed my mind about putting Leo down to avoid some disaster that might or might not happen, I've watched Leo pull himself up by his bootstraps and not settle. He doesn't necessarily have the strength to play to win, but he senses his time here is limited, and he is going to make the best of it. Last night, he held out for two slices of pizza and three peanut butter sandwiches for dinner. It don't get any better than that! Then, we took a long walk, and every time he appeared ready to go down a little nap he revved himself up into something almost resembling a trot.

Leo is still smiling, and watching him get the most out of life makes me smile. He's not willing to settle, and if he has to go down, he's going to go down swinging. As long as he plays, he wins, and so do those of us who love him.