My friend called me yesterday to scream at me for picking my husband up at the airport after his four day jaunt to Ireland for his girlfriend's mother's funeral. We figured out after a minute that she had just had one of those "nap-mares" -- those fitful and disturbing dreams you tend to have when you doze off during the day, the ones that seem so vivid and real you have even more trouble distinguishing reality from fantasy than usual.
I do have to admit the thought has crossed my mind. I'd love to get a load of the special lady who has inspired such loving care in my soon to be ex, not to mention such a willingness to toss money around as if he actually has it to toss around. Oh wait, that last part pre-dated her. The main reason I want to be there though is to see whether he brought his golf clubs with him. It was a big sacrifice for him to go (although I don't really think he has a clue that blowing off his daughter was a sacrifice); the very least the lady can expect is that he slip out after the funeral for a round or two.
Maybe I shouldn't have been so surprised to learn he was involved in such a committed and loving relationship, but I guess I've never been astute enough to understand his logic. I always thought that before you get so deeply involved with someone that she becomes the center of your universe you have to let go of the wife you're trying to punish. I wonder if he tells her of his antics while they gaze lovingly at each other. "You've made my world complete, darling. Let me show you all the crazy threatening emails I've sent in the past month." Maybe she knows it all, and she is just better at the empathy thing than I am. Maybe she just gets turned on by evil and vindictiveness. For the sake of their relationship, I certainly hope so.
I'll probably have to pass on the airport pickup since I have to drive our daughter to her various activities and appointments this afternoon. I'd ask her dad to do it, but even if he weren't on a plane with his girlfriend he lives too far away to bother himself with petty shit like that. But that's okay. I wouldn't give up for the world seeing the look on her face yesterday during her first badminton tournament, when she seemed absolutely shocked at the series of whacks she had given the birdie to win an incredible point. Or hearing her terrified but smiling squeak as an opponent slammed a bird into her gut. Or sitting next to her while she nursed her jarred tailbone with an ice pack protruding about six inches from under her sweats.
Girlfriend's mom's funeral in Ireland, a few thousand dollars. A few rounds of golf in the old country, who knows? The chance to watch your youngest daughter play badminton for the first time, priceless.
Your last paragraph says it all. Someday he'll learn what he's missed.
ReplyDeleteJill, your last few blogs have really had me thinking about the dominate male attitude to relationships.
ReplyDeleteWhen their marriages collapse, too many men feel like they should just be able to walk away free and start over, unencumbered by the responsibilities they've built up in half a lifetime. In language your louse (oops, spouse) would understand, they want to take a Mulligan. No, it's more than that: it's not one swing, it's a complete do-over.
It's like life is some video game. If it's not going well, you push the restart button and there you are with your bad ass machine gun fully reloaded, your limbs reattached, ready to re-enter the fray as if you hadn't spent the last six hours in a vain and bloody attempt to get past level 27.
Even my dear husband, by no means an unthoughtful being, once displayed that he held this view as a sort of reflex position. He was commenting on how a co-worker's heavy child support payments were making it impossible for him to start a new life and family. I asked him why on earth he thought anyone (aside from born again Christians - can't any of those people get it right the first time?)was entitled to a second life - let alone a life seperate, uncoloured and unburdened by the first.
I would wager few women hold this childish view. For most of us, life is the sum of its parts. We know we pass through seasons and that we will carry the metaphoric sundaes of summer on our hips into our autumn. We accept the continuity of life and its ultimate finiteness.
For men, if you don't like the winter box, you toss it aside and rip into the spring one, seemingly oblivious to the frost in your hair.
That brings me to my second bit of pondering: why do some women think a man who neglected his "first" family is going to be a good life partner after he hits the restart button?
Do these women have a too generous view of the ability of people to learn from past mistake and reform? That's hard to buy when these chicks know Prince Charming is still blowing off his kid's important life events for a romp in the sack. Are they desperate? Are they stupid? Sadly, I think it's a combo of the last two.
What gives me hope for your gender is that some of our sisters "get it." One of our friends ended up in a divorce where, I'll spare you the details, but it really was 100,000,000% his wife's fault. He's the sweetest man on earth. (Jill, I would have set you up in a heartbeat if you'd been in the same time zone.) Anyway, his new girlfriend told me she knew he was a keeper because he never puts himself before his responsibilities to his children. Smart gal! When the time comes, I'm going to buy them a big, expensive, bad ass, last a lifetime wedding present because I know they're never going to hit the restart button.
couldnt hv said it better myself hswp
ReplyDeleteYeah, except that I should have written "OUR gender" instead of "YOUR gender." That's brain damage, not a Freudian slip. You know there's NO WAY I'm switching teams, especially not in the middle of the game. LMAO
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