Jill, Jill, Let Down Your Long...?

Years ago, when my youngest daughter was no older than five, she accompanied me on a bathing suit shopping expedition. This was before I discovered the somewhat (though only slightly) less degrading phenomenon of online swimwear ordering, which at least allows you to check out your hideous bulges in the privacy of your own bedroom.

It was also before I had lost all sense of dignity and still wore one piece suits that could be somewhat forgiving to the post-three-babies potato head physique, before the fact that I have to pee every ten minutes took precedence over self-consciousness. It was either that or an extra suitcase for my Depends. My daughter glanced at me that day in the dressing room, mesmerized as I bent forward to step into the little Lycra straight jacket. She gasped. I looked up, startled, still gripping the steel reinforced straps of the miracle suit, thinking maybe she had stepped on a stray pin. It was far worse. "Mommy," she said. "Your boobs are even longer than daddy's!"

Well, about ten years worth of gravity has taken hold since that fateful day, and if my boobs were sweeping the dressing room floor then, I would imagine they'd be quite useful if I ever need a Rapunzel-style rescue from a tower. Don't knock it; I give the guy a beer after his long climb and I very well might have my prince.

Frankly, I'm all out of ideas. One of the dating sites has been teasing me with an e-magazine that will help me to learn the "secret psychology" of what makes a man fall in love and keeps him hooked for the long term." Apparently, most of us women have been taught -- erroneously -- that great conversation and sharing similar interests will do the trick. All well and good, the teaser tells me, but not for sparking a true "heart connection." Hmm. Is that where a gimmick like long breasts comes in?

I read on, searching desperately for the secret to unlocking a man's feelings of lifelong devotion. Ahh -- finally, a clue. "The real key lies in knowing how to express your feelings in a way that will make him feel safe and deeply connected to you." I must also be my most "vulnerable, authentic, and feminine self." There were no specific examples offered, so I have no way of knowing whether my usual opening line ("Why the fuck aren't my butt warmers on yet?) is a good start. But I'm thinking I'm right on the money. What's more vulnerable than a gal who needs to be warmed up. Feminine? I'm downright girly. I don't exactly barrel into the car saying "my fat hairy ass is cold." And authentic? It's not like I say it with some highfalutin fancy shmancy accent!

So many unanswered questions. I might just have to sign on for the magazine. I'm particularly intrigued by the promise that it will teach me how to get his attention fast and have him chasing me and thinking about me day and night. If hanging my breasts out a window doesn't get a guy's attention, he's got bigger issues? As for chasing me and thinking about me day and night, who needs that shit. I just want to know that he'll take out the garbage.