Excuses, Excuses

I have always found that if you want to break an appointment and you don't want to tell the truth (which is that you would rather have a tooth pulled without anesthetic than go), it's better to keep the excuses as simple as possible. The more elaborate the story, the less credible you are.

The other day, my friend and I received an email from a third friend explaining why she would not be able to make it to the lunch that was her idea in the first place and that she's already rescheduled twice. I'm paraphrasing a little, but here's what she said:

As you know, my son plays football in college and there's some special program for star football players that's being set up and about two hours before we're supposed to have lunch there's an open house and even though I don't really have to be there I want to think about being there. As you also know, my dog's had some loose stool, and I've been eating so much holiday candy these days my mind has turned to mush. Oh, and I almost forgot, last Friday my husband's uncle was found dead in his bathtub and the autopsy is tomorrow and the funeral will be some time after that I suppose. But I want to go to lunch with you guys more than anything before the holidays, so how about next Thursday, same time, same place?

I was out of breath just reading it. It wasn't so much the elaborateness of the tale as the sheer quantity of excuses; it was kind of like continuing to pump bullets into a guy who's already quite dead. And does anyone find it strange that the dead uncle did no better than fourth place in the list of really good reasons to cancel lunch? Let's face it, we're all a little overstuffed from cold weather chocolate binging, but it's not every day one of us can boast a naked dead relative. I'm just sayin'.

My close friends are all well aware that I tend to shy away from group lunches or dinners, even though I have been known to RSVP with an optimistic "yes" when the actual event is not quite upon me. So I'm comfortable enough, when I realize a day in advance that I don't want to go, to just say so. No phony emergency doctor appointments, no dog emergencies -- oh, no, Manny ate my underwear again -- and never, NEVER any terminally ill or dead relatives; I'm way too supertitious. I had a student once who had more dead cousins than your average bunny, and the weirdest thing was they always used to die right when a paper was due.

I didn't know how to respond to the email of alternative excuses, so I just said "sorry about your husband's uncle and all the candy; let's plan on next Thursday." I'm busy next Thursday, but I know there's not a chance in hell that will be a problem. My money's on a constipated cousin and a stuffed toilet (different cousin).