Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat?

The strangest part of the article about the new 2011 Potato Heads was not that they have become slimmer, although to tell you the truth, I'm not sure the weight loss is all that noticeable. The most puzzling part was the report that child psychology experts are concerned that the new potato physique will put undue pressure on kids to be unrealistically thin.

Are ya kiddin me? The potatoes may have lost a centimeter or two around the belt line, but they've got a long way to go before they start to look more like string beans than spuds. Even so, Hasbro has tried to capitalize on the surprising weight loss by fitting Mr. P with his first pair of pants. Well it's about time; why is everyone all up in arms about a slightly healthier spud when nobody ever said a word about the fact that he's been an exhibitionist all these years. Nobody ever thought to fit him with a much needed trench coat. Where was Mrs. P every morning when the guy got half-dressed? (Not that she's any more modest.)

But back to the weight loss issue, and the potential negative effects it will have on our children, who will no doubt begin cutting down on oreos and television watching just to emulate the Potato Heads. If Barbie and G.I. Joe never had that effect, why would a slightly julienned potato lead to an anorexia epidemic? And what's so bad about cutting back on oreos and television watching.

Frankly, the psychologists should turn their attention to the frighteningly skinny mannequins that grown women are confronted with every day when they shop. In my yoga store, the fact that the legs and torsos of the mannequins are an inhuman looking white and have painful looking screws protruding from them does nothing to stop me from gazing at them with unadulterated envy. They slip into extra smalls in any style of form fitting pant, and somehow there's no redistribution of the pudgy parts. No muffin tops, and not a camel toe among them. Even without undergarments. So unfair.

There are mirrors all over the store, constant reminders of my imperfections as I gaze past my own reflection to the flab free mannequins striking impossible poses behind me. If they had faces, I'd punch them right between the eyes. And of course the bitches wouldn't even bruise.

But hurray for the more realistically slimmed down Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. They are by no means skinny, just a little bit healthier. Okay, the term "couch potato" might lose some of its punch, but kudos to the spudly couple for debunking the myth that carbs make you fat. Maybe people will even rediscover the joys of bread!