It's not that I'm bitter, but if I ran into Cupid in a dark alley today, I'd break his damn bow over his fat little head and wrap it around his chubby little neck. And that's all I have to say about the subject of Valentine's Day.
To keep myself focused (or "unfocused" to be more accurate), I scoured the Internet for suggestions of alternative holidays to celebrate. Hallmark is woefully behind in its categories; there are some fabulous card-worthy days desperately in need of a cute two-line jingle. There's "National Condom Day in February, "St. Stupid Day" in April, and "National Underwear Day" in August. My favorite -- although I'm not sure why it's not given an entire month -- is "Bah Humbug Day" in December. I've been a celebrant for years.
Since Hallmark apparently does not hold a monopoly on day naming, I hereby declare February 14th to be "National Narcissistic Personality Disorder Day." It's far more meaningful to me than Valentine's Day, since today is a day that needs to be all about me. Yesterday, in anticipation of "National Narcissistic Personality Disorder Day," I bought myself a really expensive new purse. This morning, I wolfed down two chocolate doughnuts. For lunch, I will be meeting a favorite binge buddy for greasy hot dogs and fries, and, after lunch, I will stand in front of the mirror and tell myself I am the fairest in the land. Then, I will buy myself a box of chocolates, which I will refuse to share. And, under no circumstances will I accept blame for anything today. Whatever happens, I am certain it will be someone else's fault.
Cupid, watch your back!
Yikes. I wouldn't want to cross you today. I hope the hot dogs, fries and chocolate did the trick. Sounds like a good plan to me!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you all the way!
ReplyDelete