Batteries Definitely Included

The Beatles had it wrong. Forget about love. All ya need is great girlfriends, red wine, and a lifetime supply of AA batteries.

It had been a shitty day, and my self esteem had hit an all time record low. I had to force myself to abandon my post on the couch, change out of my sweats, and meet two good friends for dinner. I pouted the whole way there, wondering how the heck I was going to carry on a human conversation when all I wanted to do was cry and stuff myself with chocolate. Oh yes, how could I forget. Ya definitely need chocolate.

Willing myself to put on my best happy face, I dragged my sorry ass into the restaurant and strode over to my two waiting friends. Big smiles and a couple of juicy hugs later, I was already feeling the day's anxiety and despair fade away. A clink of glasses and a few sips of red wine, and I was beginning to wonder how I had let the people and events of the day get me so down.

My warrior goddesses went right to work. We dissected the atrocious behavior of others, marveled at insensitivity, and together vowed that none of us would ever allow someone to treat us the way I had been treated. Most importantly, my friends decreed -- and who am I to dispute them? -- that I am lovable and wonderful and most undeserving of anything less than pure, unadulterated adoration. Who knows, maybe it had something to do with the wine, but I found their reasoning to be quite sound.

We put our three dusty old heads together and brainstormed a laundry list of life's necessities. The list was brief and the analysis airtight. Evidence had already shown the positive effects of wonderful girlfriends and red wine. Sure, we were guilty of a glaring omission in forgetting about chocolate, but AA batteries were certainly a brilliant addition to the top three. Funny, men didn't make it to the list. At least not heterosexual men. I've already had my children; what can a man possibly do for me that can't be done with a well-designed bit of battery operated, um, companionship.

As a single head of household I've become a familiar face at Home Depot. My last purchase was a snake for unclogging toilets. I've had fascinating conversations with orange-smocked folks about flushers and suction and chains and flappers. I have been empowered. It'll be a piece of cake for me to go into Home Depot just to stock up on batteries (I'll toss in some AAA's as well, just in case; I'd be too afraid to use anything requiring a C or a D).

Yep, all ya need is great girlfriends, red wine, chocolate, and an assortment of smallish batteries. If that's not love, what is?