Night School

Sleep deprivation can be a royal pain in the ass, but I've come to view my insomnia as an educational enrichment program. Ask me anything, as long as it's about the basic geography of Japan, the projected meteorological patterns for the upcoming months in deep dark suburbia (it's going to be warm), or what men want.

Naturally, as a blogger and amateur observer of human nature and life long obsessor about everything I might be doing wrong, I am most fascinated by the articles about dating. Not just the scientifically proven (I'm assuming) mini-treatises about what men like, but about what really turns them off and about what to say and not to say on first dates and, my new favorite, what to wear. No matter where I turn, the articles pop up; go on a dating site once and you are a subscriber for life, kind of like being permanently branded with a scarlet "D." "Dater." "Desperate.""Dopey." "Demented." "D." All of the above.

Somehow I have managed to break all the rules about what to say and what not to say on first dates, and it's probably too late to change my habits now. The way I see it, if someone can't handle the crap that comes out of my mouth on a first date, a second date would be a waste of everyone's time. I am, after all, an old dog. It's not as if I can suddenly grow a filter.

As to what men like and don't like, I just find all the messages confusing. They like women who eat, but they also like them to look hot (slim, but not too skinny -- wtf?) in their jeans. They like the natural look, no make up. Well, show me a man who goes gaga over me when I first wake up in the morning and I'll show you a guy who has no idea where his glasses are. Trust me, I have seen the woman looking back at me in the mirror first thing in the morning, and it's downright scary. Some days, even my blind dog looks frightened. My favorite, recently, was an article that offered up pictures of "too much make-up" versus "the natural look." Funny, the actresses in the "natural look" category have all had so much botox and plastic surgery that the make-up would slide off anyway. Interesting concept. Anyway, I can be slow sometimes, and I appreciated the visuals.

What to wear, though, that seemed to be a topic worth exploring. Rule number one: don't look too sleazy. Well how the hell is the guy gonna know I'm going to be worth the price of a second date if I don't wear the old push up bra, micro mini, and spiked heels? (Mind you, gravity has taken its toll, and a push up bra for me needs to be pretty heavy duty, looking more like a knee brace than lingerie.) Confused, I read on, seeking clarification. Apparently, if you're going to be slutty on top, you need to be modest on the bottom. And vice versa. The article even went so far as to offer up percentages. Yes, percentages about how much skin can be exposed on either half. Gosh I hope this is not an exact science, because I don't really know how to use a slide rule (much less where to get one).

Be comfortable. Interesting. Maybe I can get away with sweats, tee shirts, and flip flops. No more exhausting work outs just trying to squeeze into a pair of Spanx. No more aching ankles from teetering on leg enhancing heels. No more worrying about popping zippers or buttons if I overeat. And men like women who eat a lot, right? This is all coming together. Who said dating is hard? Just plain common sense.

I love my new found love of learning. I cannot wait to see what useful tips await tonight as I toss and turn and seek refuge in the fountain of useless information on my laptop.  Maybe I'll just go through my closet, pair up some baggy tee shirts with tight, slutty shorts so I'll be ready to go out at a moment's notice. If there's one lesson I think I've mastered (in theory if not in practice) it's  this: never pass up an opportunity!