It looks like the birthday wedding dress shopping extravaganza is all systems go, so let the preparations begin. First item on my list: order a "Facelift Bungee."
Yes, for only $19.95 (plus shipping and handling), I can stretch my skin taut over my cheekbones without worrying about botox induced paralysis or irrevocably botched surgery. The bungee -- a hair clip attached to a chin strap you can tighten to your heart's content -- is virtually risk free. My only concern would be pulling so hard that my boobs flip up over my shoulders, but that's probably not much of a risk when their normal resting place is somewhere around my knees.
What will they think of next? All I know is I don't want to look like the forty-nine year old who was trying on princess ball gowns the other day on Say Yes to the Dress, with leathery tan skin sewn so tightly over her cheekbones her eyes were practically on the back of her head. Little girls playing dress up can be cute. Old cougars playing little girls playing dress up -- not so much.
I'm counting on the facelift bungee to give me a more natural youthful look, and I'm hoping the product line is expanded in time for my shopping expedition to include an ass trapeze and a tummy tight rope. A three ring circus right in my own body, my aging assets defying gravity and most other laws of nature. But, damn it, I'm going to look good in that mermaid gown.
No need to send in the clowns. They're already here.
Very clever. I especially like the last line about the clowns!
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