Brains Down the Drain

Yesterday, my entire kitchen counter seemed to shake as I dumped several Rubbermaid containers of old leftovers down the disposal. I can only imagine the tremors that resulted from the penis some angry woman in Los Angeles recently disposed of in her sink.

How angry does one have to be, I wonder, to lop off her husband's member as he comes to from a poison induced stupor, realizing he has been tied to the bed and his soon-to-be-ex wife is wielding a sharp knife in the vicinity of his crotch. I bet alimony started to look pretty good, in retrospect. Whatever he did to deserve this, I'd venture to say they are, at this point, more than even. At least they'll save on matrimonial attorneys' fees, since she'll be spending a good portion of the immediate future in jail.

If you have a close friend, as I do, who never misses a sordid news article, you'd realize, as I have, that men can be even more of a danger to their own penises than your average scorned woman who's gone off the deep end can be. Take, for example, the guy who cut off his own penis to spite his religious parents for not allowing him to marry the woman he loved. Or the genius who attached a dumbbell ring to his own penis in an effort to elongate it. It got bigger all right, swelling around the heavy metal weight to five times its normal size and, for good measure, turning black. No, I refuse to go there.

The biggest problem with the penis mutilation epidemic, I think, is the brain drain. Months ago, I wrote a post which I think contained pretty strong scientific evidence that mens' thinking centers are located in their penises. Under the best of circumstances, the synapses don't fire all that well, but is cutting it off (in essence, performing a lobotomy) really the answer? Forget about wondering how these guys will pee, or have sex; I'm worried about the frightening drop in IQ. How low can it go?

The guy in Los Angeles has nobody but himself to blame. What idiot allows the woman who is divorcing him to cook him dinner, and then, when it tastes funny, goes to bed and allows himself to fall asleep in her presence. It seems to me the loss of that brain is no great loss at all.

Dumbbell.