A Kid in a Cotton Candy Store

I admit it. I'm kind of an idiot when it comes to politics.

But I read recently that physical activity combined with a little brain exercise could help make me smarter, or at least improve my aptitude in a targeted area or two, and I'm all about the efficiency of killing two birds with one stone.

I decided I'd start with the things that elude me most -- my glutes and Donald Trump. An ass and an asshole. I like the symmetry. At the very least, if I can't comprehend them, maybe I can make them disappear.

As luck would have it, Sunday morning news shows are big on candidate interviews, and no self-respecting glute toning machine is without a television, so the gods were well aligned for a little bit of self-improvement. I adjusted the setting on my stair climber to a level where the little flashing light assured me my butt cheeks would get full attention and tuned into a talk show. I live a charmed life. Donald Trump was on.

I forgot my earbuds, which meant I had to actually read what he said, in closed captioning black and white. It was far more instructive than just listening. I'm a visual learner. I can tune out noise, but I cannot unsee the spectacle of what appeared to be words spilling out of a talking cone of rotten cotton candy.

I don't know much about learning theory, but I do know that repetition is always a good teaching tool, and Donald Trump, in that respect at least, is a master pedagogue. He hammered away at his two themes like nobody's business: diplomacy and energy policy. And he did it in language that even I, a political idiot, could understand.

Diplomacy: Ben Carson is a really nice guy. Jeb Bush is a really nice guy too. Even nicer than Carson. Or maybe it was the other way around, but I think he was saying both scored high marks in the diplomacy department.

Energy: Jeb Bush is really low energy. Ben Carson is pretty low energy too. Not as low energy as Jeb, but still low energy. Or maybe it was the other way around, but I think he was saying both need some work on their energy policies.

Then he launched into this whole thing about super PACs, and how Ben Carson relies too much on his super PACs. I started to get a little confused, until I realized he probably was talking about Ben Carson's six pack because, as we all know, physical activity is important when it comes to improving brain function and a six pack is not anything to sneeze at. So I think he was saying maybe Ben would be better than Jeb, although of course nobody would be better than the Don, even if he looks like rotten cotton candy.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

I haven't noticed much improvement in the tone of my glutes yet, but I feel as if my political IQ has skyrocketed. I am trading in my Ken Ken puzzles -- which will apparently do nothing to enhance my brain unless I am called upon to do some simple arithmetic -- and I am going to devote myself to following the presidential campaigns more closely. Then I will really know how things add up.