Sunday evening, in anticipation of what promised to be a dismal Monday, I snuck off to the grocery store in my pajamas to pick up some provisions. I grabbed my two pints of Ben and Jerry's and a box of dog biscuits and scurried with great efficiency over to the self-checkout, hoping nobody would notice me, particularly since I wasn't even wearing a bra.
"Fancy meeting you here!" I prayed the person talking within inches of my ear was maybe talking to someone else. No such luck. I turned to see a friend -- a skinny friend to boot -- putting a small bag of sliced turkey and a large head of lettuce on the counter next to me. I tried to lift my boobs up with my left arm and cover the two pints with my right but it was pointless. Ugh!
"The dog biscuits are for Manny," I offered. Everything about me screamed "LOSER" at that moment; I needed her to at least know I had not yet sunk to the level of munching on dog food.
Recently, a friend, quoting somebody very famous and wise, encouraged me not to let every small setback let me feel defeated. Good advice, although I've started to wonder how many setbacks I get before I'm allowed to raise the white flag. Okay, as long as I'm breathing, that's probably not going to happen, as tempting as it might occasionally seem.
Lately, though, I tend to prefer a quote from someone even more famous and wise, the greatest philosopher and pop therapist of all time: Cookie Monster. "Today me [sic] will live in the moment unless its [sic] unpleasant in which case me [sic] will eat a cookie." I may be a stickler for grammar and punctuation, but I am certainly not going to let a few minor slip ups undermine the best advice I've received in quite some time.
My two pints of Ben and Jerry's on Sunday were soothing, but a dismal Monday arrived with a vengeance, just as I had anticipated. I tried living in the moment several times, but each moment seemed to suck a little bit more than the one before it. I succumbed to cookie number one after an entire morning's worth of bad moments, and cookie number two helped me through the worst part of the afternoon. I managed to endure a few not-so-horrible moments in the early evening, but cookie number three got me through the last bits of unpleasantness in the waning hours before bed. This morning, the crumbs on my pillow case served to remind me that at least I always have options. Cookie Monster, you are a genius!
Things could have been worse. Whole Foods could have been out of my favorite large chocolate chip cookies, and I could have been stuck with oatmeal raisin or, worse still, something labeled vegan. It's Tuesday now, and thanks to Cookie Monster and chocolate chip cookies and that bit about small setbacks and defeat floating around in the deep recesses of my brain, I have woken up with a bit of perspective and a tiny touch of optimism. Things could be far, far worse, worse even than settling for a vegan cookie.
This is not to say I will become carried away by happiness and the mere thrill of being alive. I am way too far gone right now to be in what might constitute a good mood, and will continue to push my well meaning friends away while I wallow a bit longer in my misery that is not really misery in the grand scheme of things. Just because I feel like it.
Things are definitely looking up though. I am wearing a bra, I had oatmeal for breakfast, and I have yet to start eating dog biscuits. Maybe a little wine with my cookies tonight. The possibilities are endless.
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