Peak season for on line dating sites, I would imagine, which is not necessarily a good thing for folks who have been looking for love all year round. Sure, the pool of eligible singles might expand a little, but so too will the pool of lunatics. And, naturally, the competition could get a bit stiff, and I don't mean that in a good way. To have a fighting chance, everyone needs to touch up photos and revamp profiles, put their best dating face forward.
Women of all ages, whether they're searching for a good time with a strapping young sex god or a serious relationship with some Viagra chugging geezer, will have to compete with all sorts of well heeled dowagers who look really good in their portfolios. My assets, which include long boobs and cozy evenings in a double wide, are decidedly unsexy. Dating during peak mating season seems daunting and discouraging enough in the abstract, but news yesterday about the latest woman of a certain age venturing into the world of cyber love broke my spirit and made me think long and hard about subscribing any time soon. Brace yourself, dating hopefuls: Martha Stewart is going on line!
As distraught as I am about my certain descent to the bottom of the pile of fresh meat, I am kind of curious about how Martha will craft her profile. Nobody uses a real name, but pictures are essential, and unless she wants to go with something that has her sporting an orange jumpsuit beneath a head full of lifeless poorly coiffed hair she needs to stay current. Which means there's pretty much no way she can conceal her identity; there's hardly a red blooded American man or woman out there who wouldn't recognize that perfectly styled blond hair, the aging but clearly once very pretty face, the rolled up sleeves of a designer work shirt tailor made for decorating, gardening, cooking, and pretty much doing all things that make a man feel horny without even having to muster up an erection. Who cares if she demands a prenup? Get a foot in the door of that mansion and even the most old fashioned male suitor will happily agree to be called Mr. Stewart if it means nightly home made meals and birthday cards made from scratch.
Luckily for Martha, dating sites generally seek less information than Facebook, so she need not even worry about listing her most recent places of residence. Knowing her speckled history is one thing; seeing in black and white print the Federal Bureau of Prisons at Aldersen, West Virginia could be a turn off. Mountain mama, take me home, but please not to the Big House. Even if you're offering up the best appointed cell in the correctional system. And even if the place is filled with women who have a history of being naughty. Wait, never mind. That would actually be a big draw.
Love seekers of all ages need to tread carefully through the spring and summer mating season. An acquaintance recently told me about the advice he gave to his eleven year old son, who already appears to be caught in a love triangle and can't decide which way to go. Dad seized upon the teachable moment, telling his son the two most important things to look for in a woman. The first is money. The second is that she not speak English, or, better still, not speak at all. Wise advice. I hope the kid listens to his dad, at least takes his suggestions under advisement.
I am doomed. My finances are not pretty, and I speak often and, except when hosting a French exchange student, in English. No man with half a brain would choose someone like me when he could have a shot at someone who not only has a hot bank account but who can also offer up a lifetime filled with freshly baked cupcakes, frilly lace curtains, and eye witness accounts of girl on girl action in cell block A.
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