The Eaves of Destruction

Last week, I alerted my soon to be ex that we would have to replace the roof on the castle before we moved into our respective trailers. "Any chance you can take one for the team," he suggested, and "do a roofer?"

Frankly, I'd consider it -- anything to get this whole mess behind me -- if I didn't also need a plumber, a carpenter, a driveway guy, and an electrician. Just to name a few. I have to consider my future, after all, and who the hell is going to want to date a bow legged middle aged woman who walks like a drunken sailor? Not to mention all the diseases. (Can you get shingles from a roofer?)

As luck would have it, I just ran into a guy I used to know (no not that way, you pigs) who is in the business of getting folks' property taxes reduced. He is busying himself as I write this evaluating my situation (minus a few details, to say the least), and I'm thinking maybe this could be my lucky day. Get the fixer upper assessed as low as possible, reduce the taxes, and let some other poor schmucks worry about the repairs. Worst case scenario, I'll only have to fuck the property tax guy.

Shit. He's still talking. Suddenly a handy man gang bang isn't looking as exhausting as this whole property tax evasion scheme. I definitely get the feeling there'll be a better pay off. Though I haven't been listening all that attentively to the details, it sounds like any tax money I save will just be paid to someone else in fees and commission. And, my guess is I'll have to listen to a lot of talking. And, if he's anything like our attorneys, it'll cost us dearly every time he talks, or, for that matter, farts. And, I'll still have a crumbling roof, leaky toilets, fallen closet doors, and a rutted driveway. Come to think of it, if I can't snag a hunky fireman with an axe and a big hose -- let's face it, it's not for lack of trying -- why not set my sights on something more attainable and give a shot to some tool belts and shit kickers? Like mom always said, never pass up an opportunity. 

I could always look for a jack of all trades. Someone who can handle all the tasks by himself, maybe even be a master of some of the more, um, delicate ones. Talk about home improvement.