Captain Absolute

It was a typical day in my high school English class. I sat in the back, hoping, as I always did, that the teacher would not call on me. Not just because I was terrified of public speaking, but because I had not gotten around to reading "The Rivals."

Why is he called 'Captain Absolute?' My heart sank when I heard my name. I could feel my face turning bright red.

Because he's the absolute captain? 

My friend, sitting next to me, the one who always got in trouble while I got away with everything, snickered. Luckily, the follow up never came, and I silently swore up and down to never be unprepared again. I was humiliated by my ignorance, humbled by my utter lack of creativity in coming up with something a bit more creative. Wrong would have been far better than stupid.

Forty years later, I've broken that promise to myself more times than I care to admit, though I've become much more adept at speaking about things I know nothing about. Still, it's unforgivable.

Then again, I'm not the POTUS.

It's gotten to the point where I turn off the television whenever DJT starts to speak, not just because he is nauseating, but because I am embarrassed to have become this person who screams obscenities at an inanimate screen. I lingered yesterday, though, to catch the "press conference" with the Canadian prime minister. Let's face it, at least the young Trudeau is easy on the eye -- and ear, especially when he's speaking French.

Asked about specific ways in which the two leaders might navigate some philosophical differences and move forward on issues such as trade and immigration, President Absolute (according to his anthropomorphic policy adviser, Stephen Miller), took the opening stab:

We are going to have a great relationship with Canada, maybe as good or better, hopefully, than ever before.  We have some wonderful ideas on immigration.  We have some, I think, very strong, very tough ideas on the tremendous problem that we have with terrorism.  And I think when we put them all together, which will be very, very quickly -- we have a group of very talented people -- we will see some very, very obvious results.  We're also doing some cross-border things that will make it a lot easier for trade and a lot better and a lot faster for trade.We have -- through technology, we have some really great ideas, and they’ll be implemented fairly quickly. 

Very, very, very reminiscent of that fateful day in high school, when I had not read the play. Well, except with one very, very, very significant difference: I'm not the friggin POTUS. Like I said.

But back to what has me really frustrated (and a little bit terrified) today. The guy who tirelessly skipped along the campaign trail with DJT even though everybody knew he had a penchant for sitting on Uncle Vlad's lap (not to mention retweeting conspiracy theories) has been caught in a fib. Oh no! A fib. To Mike Pence, Vice Puppet in chief. Oh no, just wait until the boss finds out! But wait, the Attorney General whom he has since fired for being, I think, incompetent, let the little impropriety slip a while ago to the White House Counsel. Oh no, did the White House Counsel forget to mention that? Sort of the way the General forgot that, yes, traitorous discussions about lifting U.S. sanctions against Russia did indeed come up at least once. Well, if the General felt the need to resign for fibbing to the VPuppet, then White House Counsel should surely offer to resign for forgetting to mention something so important to the boss, oh, yeah, and the country. Hmm, maybe it's all just one big misunderstanding. One big golden shit shower.

Speaking of precious metals, kudos to Melania for figuring out how to get a de facto divorce without paying a dime and while forcing every other American (well, those who pay taxes) to help her get through these trying times. So much for those who think you can't have beauty and brains.

Baffling, shocking, scary. Absolutely.