Hair Brained

Apparently, a correlation has been found between the location of a woman's ponytail and her intelligence. Her perceived intelligence, that is. The credentials of the folks putting forth the theory are, at best, questionable, but to be on the safe side I've tied my hair back today at the nape of my neck. The last thing I need is to be taken for a fool.

In a nutshell, the higher the tail, the ditsier the gal. As far as I can tell, cheerleaders and teenagers are exempt from stereotyping based on ponytail angle; a high bouncy one is for them, if anything, more an indicator of liveliness than stupidity. But put a middle aged woman in one of those and she screams moron. At any age, tie it up at the top of your head and, well, I won't repeat the politically incorrect adjective used in the article but let's just say we're talking IQ in the double digits. On a good hair day.

I never knew hair could tell us so much about a person. I always thought I wore a ponytail to keep my tangled, unruly mess out of my face. Actually, I've always thought that a ponytail of any kind showed a certain level of common sense and ingenuity, not to mention an admirable lack of vanity about coiffure. Who knew I could be so off the mark?

I wonder if mens' hair offers up its own variety of valuable information. Male pattern baldness aside, there's still lots of news to be gleaned from the hair that seems to sprout from every follicle once a man hits forty. A cyber dating buddy recently sent me the following excerpt from the profile of his latest "perfect match":

I have a huge body hair fetish, and am looking for only the hairiest men out there. I mean hairy everywhere: entire back and shoulders as well as chest, covered DENSELY with hair everywhere.

Clearly, the beastly look speaks to this woman. But what does all that fur say? What lusty secrets does she hear from those curly, sweaty strands? Whatever the case, my buddy was all over it; he cancelled all his waxing appointments, and was, he admitted, completely aroused by the prospect of having this woman braid his back. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose, but it sounds like someone's ponytail is maybe a bit too tight. I don't have a picture of the gorilla lover, but if there's a ponytail location that suggests totally fucking nuts, I'm guessing that's where hers is.

From now on, before I go on a date, I'm going to demand to see clear pictures of the guy's torso -- all views. I'm not sure what the level of hairiness will tell me, but if the information is there, I will find it. As long as I wear my thinking cap and keep my ponytail on the down low.