Another Thanksgiving, Another Pound (or two) of Flesh

It's become so familiar it's impossible to imagine Thanksgiving without it. The New England-y inn with the Christmas tree all set up, twinkling boughs of holly lining the staircase,  extended families taking photographs in front of the fireplace, while their clothes still fit. The long anticipated prelude to the long anticipated day of stuffing ourselves silly.

At my cousins' house, we have heated debates over baked brie and crudites and pigs in blankets. Smoked turkey or fried? Whom does the newest baby resemble? (She is the only one in the room who can carry off a bald head and a double chin.) Is it appropriate to laugh when a two year old slips, mid-tantrum, in the puddle emanating from his own juice box? I anticipate and fend off the questions about my dating life the way my youngest daughter used to with questions about where she wanted to go to college. Is there a man in your life? No. What happened to. . . ? Gone. I thought you. . . . Once. No more. Never. Have I shown you a picture of my dog? 

The turkey hangover hits almost immediately, followed closely by the sharp pains and the bloat. After decades of the same routine, we have an epiphany. Next year, we will wear sweats.

In the New England-y inn the next morning, the extended families filter into the lobby again, far more interested in coffee than photographs. Everybody seems a bit more subdued as they sink into the chairs, recovering. I marvel at the ones who can eat the apple donuts and the other sugary treats. My jeans barely have room to accommodate my desperate gulps of caffeine.

Eventually, we disperse in a thousand different directions, vowing to never eat again, exhausted, but surprised, somehow, at how quickly it all seems to pass. Relief tinged with regret. Wondering how we can all do this year after year, wondering how we could not.

Back in Brooklyn, Through the Lens of History

As I remember it, my mother's uncle, aunt, and young cousin all perished in concentration camps. I remember it mostly because the young cousin -- whose name I may have once known, but have forgotten  -- was my mother's age, and looked just like her. It always made me think about how random life is, how being born in one place as opposed to another can be a matter of life and death.

My parents were both born here, in America, and their parents were all here long before Hitler marched through their homelands to exterminate all the Jews, having escaped hatreds of an earlier time. I grew up far removed from any first hand narratives, two generations away from anybody who actually bore witness. I have friends who, unlike me, are first generation Americans. Some know their family histories in intimate detail, from their parents. Some know little more than I do, because their parents had tucked the horrors of their childhoods neatly away; it was the only way they could move forward.

Even first hand recollections, whether told or buried, can become fuzzy, as fuzzy as the fraying photographs I've been sifting through all morning. But time (if you're lucky enough to have it) keeps the essential details in tact. Not so with re-tellings. Maybe it's human nature to revise, on purpose, or maybe it's just the way our brains work, to protect us. My son has become curious, as he always has been about all sorts of history. The stories we have been told, we realize, do not exactly match.

My mother joined me on the floor by her father's old desk, where the old photographs have been stowed, helped me to identify the people I never knew. My own grandfather, his parents, my grandmother's parents. Some I could recognize from memory, even though they were gone by the time I came around. All these people, who helped shape the ones who shaped my mother who, for better or worse, helped shape me. I want so much to know what they were like; I wonder what they would think of us, of me, the way we all turned out. I wonder what they could tell me about life when people like us were hunted down like vermin, when anti-Semitism drove the fortunate ones across a vast ocean, to start over again in a strange place, a place where they would always be safe. Where the ones who were here, in the late 1930's and early 1940's, never really grasped what was going on over there. How could they?

My mother is certain, now, that my grandfather's brother sent his wife and his little girl to Sweden, while he stayed behind in Warsaw. She is certain, because she remembers when the letter arrived, that her uncle was killed in a camp. She is uncertain about what happened to her aunt and her cousin. My guess is, and my recollection is, they did not survive. Otherwise, we would know. My son is curious, and so am I.

It was mostly pictures, in my grandfather's old desk, but I also found my nana's glasses, and a change purse she carried, filled with coins and a "Chai" key chain. Life. I am taking the small artifacts home with me. The lenses in the glasses are too powerful, and the frame, on one side, is cracked. I will put my own lenses in, fix the crack, and keep searching.

City of Brotherly and Sisterly Love

I haven't been to Philadelphia since the spring of 1976, when I had thought I was going to college there. That was before I changed my mind -- or, more accurately, my mind was changed for me -- and I ended up, somehow, in the wilds of upstate New York. I've always thought the decision was a bad one, but one I would never change. Everything about my life would have been different, and there are certain things -- three living breathing things in particular -- I could never pass up. Not for all the brotherly love in the world. 

More than forty years later, here I am, somewhere along the fabled Main Line, sleeping in a room filled with the vestiges of young girlhood while its permanent inhabitant finds her wings in New York City. I feel as if I have gotten to know her better, from the collage of pictures on her walls, the lotions and such in her bathroom, the bundles of hair ties hanging from a hook on the wall. I moved her well worn stuffed animals off the bed, but the Siberian cat has sought me out, draping herself over me for two nights in a row. Her purring is a comfort. Suddenly, I think I like cats. 

I am here mostly on the way to somewhere else. My friend's sister hosted a fundraiser in honor of my friend's son, now gone almost three years. I was surprised at how much at home I felt here, among all these people from another place, people I had never met. Many of them had heard stories about me -- the friend's sister's friend -- though I could not imagine why. The friends of my friend's sister are warm and boisterous and generous. I tried my best to remember all the names, knowing full well they all had a slight advantage, having only to remember one. I flubbed several, but nobody cared. 

My friend had to speak, and she was nervous. Not just because she had to speak in front of so many people, but because she had to speak about why she was there, about why they were donating money and, hopefully, time, for a cause in her son's name. Just talk about Adam, I told her. The rest will come. 

It was mesmerizing, not just for me, but for all of us. It's not easy listening to somebody who has suffered the unimaginable, who inhabits a place nobody should have to inhabit. My friend will mention Adam, in passing sometimes, or when we reminisce about something funny. But here she was, explaining who Adam was, to this group of people who never knew him, to me, to her sister, to her brother-in-law, to Adam's own grandmother. To herself. She brought him to life, again. 

In Philly, this week, more than four decades since my last visit, when I had no idea who I was or where I'd be or how three children, one day, would teach me how to love in a way I had never known, I was re-introduced to a place. To a young girl who grew up here. To cats. To my friend's family. To my friend, who lit up in a way I'd never seen her light up, and who lit up a room full of strangers who are no longer strangers. And I was re-introduced to Adam, who still has many secrets to reveal.

Falling Back, Stumbling Forward

For some people, the end of daylight savings time means an extra hour of sleep. For me it means staring at the ceiling, wide awake, waiting an extra hour for Starbucks to open.

As if to herald the coming darkness, my backyard was strewn with leaves this morning, leaves that only yesterday were on the trees. I turned on the television, though, and nothing had changed. The polls say blue, the polls say red, depending on whom you ask. Even if you don't ask. I opted for tennis. Nothing new there, either, except Federer and Djokovich are far easier on the eye than your average politician or pundit.

Speaking of darkness... I admit I've been worried about the upcoming election.  Not just about the real possibility of the House staying red, but about the equally real possibility that it will go blue. What if it goes blue, but the dysfunction remains the same? Reading my mind, I think, a Starbucks buddy informed me that you don't have to be a member of the House to be Speaker of the House. I was skeptical, especially when he told me he remembered learning it in college. He's even older than I am, and I remember nothing.

It's true, though. We verified it on his phone. My buddy planted a happy thought in my head on this gray November morning, the idea that there is an infinite pool of candidates for the job. Hmmm. Obama? Biden? Oprah? One of my really smart friends? A girl can dream, can't she?

Come to think of it, I do remember something from school, back in the day. Pyrrhic victory. A victory that inflicts such a devastating toll on the victor that it is tantamount to defeat. It was my fear for Hillary, and it's reared its dark head, again. Especially these days, when politics has become less about doing good than about pointing fingers. Especially these days, when things seem so broken it would take a miracle to fix them. Mere mortals would fail. Average politicians will fare far worse.

Back to the leaves. They had fallen, but they were still bright and colorful, not yet crunchy enough to disintegrate beneath my feet. And I can still occasionally remember something I learned in school, even if it's useless. There's hope.

Coming to the Table

On my way to meet my Republican friend for a drink, I voted. My guess is we have cancelled each other out, and we could just have easily agreed to both not vote, saved each other the trouble.At least I wouldn't still be trying to peel the last layer of my "I voted" sticker off my suede jacket.

We dabbled in the obligatory pleasantries at first -- our kids, work, our travels, my failed attempts at dating and the sad truth that single men my age tend to have their hearts (or whatevers) set on thirty-somethings. So much for my fabulous personality.

Then we got into it, the whole Trump thing. The great divide, the stereotypes and the mutual disdain that has us retreating into our corners, like mortal enemies. He is able to divide Trump into two separate people -- one, the vile, indecent, grossly unqualified person who is our president, the other, the guy who's keeping the economy booming and our taxes down. At least for now. I cannot separate the two; sure, I wouldn't mind being a little bit richer, but the price is too high. My friend made a good point; Trump did not invent racism, and xenophobia, and automatic weapons. True. But he has turned over the rocks, trafficked in hatred, legitimized the most base instincts of the worst among us and given them sunlight. It is unseemly, to say the least, for the leader of the free world to behave as he does.

My friend has grown tired of being viewed as stupid because he's not offended enough by the "person" half to budge on the economics. I've grown tired of the absurdity of it all, that all intelligent conversation is eclipsed by the antics of this one, larger than life buffoon.

We found common ground on so many things, my Republican friend and I. We tossed around names of possible future presidents, and we agreed on most. He admitted he would vote for a moderate Democrat. I admitted I would vote for a moderate Republican (maybe). We are searching for that elusive middle, that space where compromise is not a dirty word and consensus is the only way we can accomplish what's best for most.

Our conversation gave me hope. About democracy anyway. Single men my age will always chase thirty-somethings, no matter who's in power. Which will free me up, sometimes, to take a Republican to lunch.

Coming From A Long Way Away

Finally, yesterday, I saw Come From Away, the brilliant Broadway musical about the unlikely collision of cultures in Gander, Newfoundland, on 9/11.

The moment the cast appeared on stage, I felt my hands clenching, the memories of that day flooding back. On my left sat my daughter, Nicki. She was five years old then, sitting with me in the kitchen as I watched one plane hit, then another, while I talked on the phone to my brother in New York. In New York, a doctor at St. Vincent's Hospital, only blocks away from the scene. The hospital where they waited, and waited, for the injured, as if mere injury were a possibility. They had been ushered away from the windows, and it was up to me to give him the play by play. I remained glued to the television for days, until Nicki asked why does this keep happening? I was still trying to understand why it happened even once, why the twin towers I had watched go up over a number of years had evaporated in what seemed to be a split second. 

On my right sat my mother. My 87 year old mother, who is virtually deaf, but loves going to the theatre and, though she cannot hear, reads voraciously beforehand and knows exactly what it is about. She was in New York that day, too. New York, her home. Though she still had her hearing, back then, she was out of earshot when it happened, somewhere on the subway -- by my calculation very near the World Trade Center -- on her way north to a museum. She emerged from the subway, several miles away, to a stunned and eerily quiet city, smoke billowing in the distance where buildings used to be. My brother and I were frantic, for a while, trying to reach her. It hadn't occurred to her to turn on her cell phone, and even if she had, service was spotty at best. Interrupted. 

A musical. About my youngest daughter's first real memory of life outside her own childhood. About the day my brother remained quarantined within his hospital's walls, awaiting patients who never arrived. About the day my mother, against all odds unless you know my mother, somehow made it across the river, home to Brooklyn, while the tip of Manhattan smoldered. About the day I lost my innocence. Or my ignorance, I suppose. A musical, of all things. 

A musical about the worst day. About the day when folks in a town in the middle of nowhere and the "plane people," the thousands of passengers on planes that did not blow up that day, collided. A day when people sprang into action and gave everything they could to welcome these unwitting victims, imperfect strangers. The plane people all came from somewhere else, from away, places where the locals had never been. By the end, there was no such thing as "away." Everything had changed, and nothing, no place, would ever seem the same. There was much good that arose from the ashes that day, and in the days and weeks that followed. This story was just one of many. 

My hands eventually unclenched. I could see that Nicki felt as uncomfortable, at first, as I did, laughing. We were both spent, by the end, from crying and laughing, as we rose with everyone else to cheer the cast and the musicians who had helped us to remember so much of what we often forget, from so many years away. 

Two Mothers, Journeying

We landed in Japan only (only!) eighteen hours after we left Chicago, but the better part of two full days had disappeared. It never ceases to be disorienting, this jump in days that happens somewhere over the Pacific.

It's my fifth trip here, and my friend's first. I assured her it was no big deal, getting around in a country where nobody looks the way you do, nobody speaks your language, and they don't make shoes large enough to fit your feet. I was lying -- not about the shoes, but about the no big deal part --but she knows that. 

Thankfully, Matt, my son, was with us to help work out the minor snafu with hotel bookings. Otherwise, my friend and I would probably still be growling silently at each other while we both stared helplessly at the hotel clerk, who stared back at us as if we were from another planet. With good reason; it can certainly seem that way sometimes, here. 

Today, we are on our own, while Matt is at work. I am the seasoned one, perfectly capable -- theoretically -- of getting us from Sannomiya to Shin Kobe to take the Shinkansen to Kyoto. She is still struggling with pronunciation, and I am guessing they all pretty much sound the same. I'm feeling a bit pressured, without my translator. I have grown accustomed to relying on Matt to point me in the right direction here, even tell me when and at how steep an angle I should bow. I am looking forward to dinner, when I can once again settle into my incompetency while he takes charge. 

It is difficult, sometimes, having a child live so far away. Even when he is twenty-eight years old, and would no doubt be spending little time with me if he lived closer. He is busy figuring out his life, wherever it takes him. As is the case with all three of my children, I simply love being in their presence, breathing the same air. I love listening to them, and watching them. I love imagining them when they were little, and marveling at the people they have become. 

I know how much of a luxury it is, for me, and for anybody who can do this, even if it's only a few times a year, at most. My friend and I raised our kids together, and we share a lot of the same memories. I can still imagine her sons when they were little, and she can do the same with my kids. She has lost one of her sons, and, almost three years later, here, on the other side of the world, visiting Matt with her, I imagine the bittersweet dissonance of fond memories and painful "what ifs." 

The best I can do, for my friend, is navigate the rails today, get us to Kyoto in good order, and back to Kobe in time for dinner with Matt. To eat some good food and drink some good wine, to get lost in our shared memories of all our children. To be in the presence of this tall, thin young man, the once chubby-cheeked boy, and marvel together as Matt inhabits a part of the world that neither of us can fully comprehend.