Yesterday

Oseh shalom bimromav. Hu ya'aseh shalom aleinu. V'al kol Yisrael V'imru.  Amen.

Yesterday, my family --- the ones who are geographically available -- gathered to celebrate. The reason? Our newest member had attained the ripe old age of six months. We passed her around. We took pictures. We traded stories. We were, in ways somewhat different from the usual, acutely aware of how lucky we are. 

And we cried. Some of us outwardly, some of us just on the inside. Some of us are Jewish, some are not, but know what it's like to love somebody who is. Some of us are angry, some scared, some both. We all mourn for the innocent civilians massacred last Saturday, not simply because they are Israeli or Jewish but because they were massacred so savagely that it calls to mind the atrocities of Nazi Germany almost a century ago. "Never again" -- the words I have taken for granted my whole life -- turned out to be a lie. 

We mourn, too, for Palestinian civilians, and we hope they can be spared. We hope they will heed the warnings to evacuate, and ignore the orders of Hamas, their captors, who view them as dispensable, who will happily turn them into human shields. A Palestinian woman complained, on the news yesterday, that it's unfair she has to pack her things. Yes it is. I'm guessing the dead Israelis, and their surviving family members, would have loved the chance to pack their things before their homes were burned to the ground. I can hold two thoughts in my head at the same time. Even three. 

For the first time in their lives, my daughters have seen that people can turn against them, simply because they are Jews. Black Lives Matter, a cause for which we marched and would march again, has turned on us. Students at elite colleges have turned on us. Even close friends have revealed deep seated biases and resentments, even hatreds, suddenly brought to the fore. We have all been lulled, over the years, into a feeling of invincibility, or at least security, and that has been shattered. 

My future son-in-law told me yesterday that he loves how our family just finds a reason to get together and celebrate, even when none exists. Was he saying that a baby's six-month birthday was a pretense? Point well-taken. But there is a reason to celebrate, every day, just because we are so lucky -- to be alive, and together, and safe. 

And we will continue to celebrate, but with an asterisk. We mourn, this Shabbat and going forward, for those whose lives have been forever destroyed. 

June Bubbe

"I wasn't the one who accidentally folded you up in the stroller. That was grandma." I was trying to plead my case, clear it with the bosses so I could break up my first long evening of babysitting with a stroll. 

"Yes, but you're a grandma now," my daughter shot back. Well what is that supposed to mean? Old? Frail? Incompetent? All of the above, I take it. 

Sensing the affront, she took a different tack. "I don't want her walking around the city in the dark." 

It's June. Less than three weeks shy of the summer solstice. And it was only 6:30. After a lifetime of picking battles -- or trying to -- I knew enough to let this one go.  

Long ago, well before I was old and frail and incompetent, I was a new mother. And by that, I mean I was a tyrant when it came to anybody who wasn't my new baby. I trusted nobody, insisted that everybody abide by my rules. I remember detecting my mother-in-law's eye-roll through the back of her head when I barked at her for using a regular towel to bathe my little jewel. Not one of the ten hooded baby towels, laundered in Dreft, that I had shlepped along. As if. 

These children (yes they are in their thirties, but children to me) in whom I have reluctantly but graciously entrusted the care of my new granddaughter are as authoritarian as, well, as I was, once. The transformation came slowly during the pregnancy, but the signs were there. There were the vaccine requirements and the infant CPR classes and the explanations about why the baby would be sleeping in their room for at least six months (a big compromise, as a year is the current recommendation). No leaving the baby in the car seat to sleep. I thought they were reminding me not to ever leave the baby in the car, or maybe on the roof of the car, or maybe by the side of the road. How would they survive if they had to come home and take the finally sleeping baby out of the car seat? My brain screamed silently, I looked into the procedures for my inevitable custody battle. I pretended, as well as I could, that I was not deeply concerned. 

Seven weeks in, my granddaughter -- my granddaughter -- appears to be thriving in the care of these novices.  And, oddly, they seem to be thriving too. 

Summer solstice for most, winter solstice for me, I suppose. But it's been worth the wait. 

Passing (or Sharing) the Torch on Mother's Day

Word has it that my daughter cried harder and longer than her baby did this morning when she got a shot. An apt initiation into motherhood I think, on this eve of Mother's Day weekend. 

Though I have long believed that Mother's Day is the only holiday I have truly earned, I anticipate it this year in a way I never have. Oddly, I have almost forgotten that I am, technically, an honoree. This year, my daughter is a mother. My daughter feels her own daughter's pain long after the actual pain has been forgotten. She feels her daughter's hunger with an urgency that puts our own struggles with "hangry-ness" to shame. She sees the world through her daughter's eyes, and knows what it feels like to want all things evil or even mildly unpleasant to go away, just for her daughter's sake. 

My own mother, a plane ride away in a nursing home and not with me this Mother's day in person, must know how I feel. A mother of a mother, a mother of a person who has become the thing that changed me forever. I should be celebrating my mother -- a grandmother, and now a great-grandmother -- a woman who has been at this business for more than six decades. But I'm guessing she, too, believes this Mother's Day is about the new one in our ranks. 

The other grandmothers in our local band of celebrants this year (yes, there are more than two of us in our modern family) have chosen their grandma names, yet I remain undecided. My first choice -- bubbe -- has been squarely rejected, though I think my granddaughter would take well to the simplicity of the word. I've chewed on other options, but just cannot commit. "TBD" it is, for now. 

The point is, it's not about me, and my moniker can wait. It's about my daughter, forever changed. And it's about my mother, who knows not only what it's like to love a daughter, but also to love a daughter who loves a daughter who loves a daughter. How cool is that?

To all the women out there who have ever loved someone in a way that cannot be described, this Mother's Day for you. 

While We Were Looking Up

About 17 miles north of where I sat in my office, and about a year before I became a mother, an eight year old boy was murdered in his classroom by a deranged woman with a gun. The town was Winnetka, Illinois and the boy's name was Nick Corwin. Winnetka might ring a bell for some, if only because it is the picturesque upscale suburb that gave us the Home Alone mansion. Nick Corwin might not ring a bell for anybody. 

The shooting at the Hubbard Woods School, and the less deadly but nevertheless extraordinary terror that ensued in the neighborhood as the killer continued her fateful spree, shook me to my core. Not as a future suburbanite who believed suburbs were safe. Not as a future mother who knew that the loss of a child under any circumstance is horrific, under this circumstance, incomprehensible. Simply as a human being who could not fathom the depths to which someone must sink to commit such an atrocity. 

Fast forward to April 2023. Not a week after three children and three adults were slaughtered in a Nashville school, and we seem to have forgotten. Instead, anyone masochistic enough to flip on the news at any hour of the day yesterday was treated to endless coverage of an airplane emblazoned with the gag-inducing name of the vile life-long criminal/ex-president, sitting first on one tarmac then another. The equivalent of watching ugly paint dry. The odious person himself waving like a movie star to, well, nobody in particular as he strutted his grotesque self into his Manhattan home.  

While we were watching, all over Tennessee, students of all ages were rising up. And, while students rose up, Republicans in the state legislature plunged beneath rock bottom, stripping Democrats from committees for having the audacity to joint the protests, still steadfastly refusing to enact any sort of common-sense gun reform. 

While we were watching, the fascistic governor of Florida, the much-touted "sane" alternative for 2024 -- you know, the one who is not only (horrors) picking fights with Disney but also banning books and stripping rights from women and anybody who isn't an avowed heterosexual and repeating anti-Semitic tropes with abandon --  signed into law a bill that lets people carry guns without a permit and without any training. Maybe I'm not remembering correctly, but wasn't there a mass school shooting in Florida only a few years ago?

Ah well, who cares. Back to the plane, boss. De plane. 

The way things look, my grandchildren will be born into a world of active shooter drills and back-alley abortions and hate directed against anybody who isn't a White Christian nationalist. And wall-to-wall news coverage of a big plane and viewer polls about whether a life-long criminal who capitalized on everything that's wrong with our world to try to hijack our country should be indicted. Since when do we defer to polls to decide these things -- and by the way, who actually answers calls from pollsters? 

I don't mean to sound so angry. Well I suppose I do. I'm angry and I'm scared. Kudos to the young people in Tennessee for waking up and rising up. Hopefully, the rest of us won't have to wait for a shooter to appear in our midst to avert our eyes from the plane. 

Ninety-two Years Old-ish

 

Happy Birthday Mom!

Last February, we celebrated my mom's 90th and 91st birthday, determined to make up for the in-person time we had lost to Covid the year before. On her 90th, twelve months earlier, I had felt cheated, thinking how unfair it was for somebody to hit such a milestone confined to her home, even though she was still healthy and vibrant enough to enjoy life. We made do, convened via Zoom from our various corners of a still quarantined world. We comforted ourselves with thoughts of a delayed in-person celebration when everything would return to "normal." 

Fast forward to February 2022, with normalcy returning on a macro scale but with mysterious whispers of a downturn on the home front, for mom. The year began, for me, with frequent visits to New York. Through sheer force of will, she had overcome a handful of devastating blows to her bones in her 80's, and had surprised many (though not me) by learning to walk again, twice. But forces of nature are not infallible, not even my mother, and suddenly, in early 2022, she was struggling -- inexplicably -- to walk. Still, when my daughters and I arrived in New York to celebrate her two birthdays, "no" was not an option. I dug out a wheelchair, made sure she was decked out in her usual fashion, and off we went to one of her favorite Manhattan restaurants, my brother's objections notwithstanding. 

As it turns out, both my brother and I were correct. Somehow, I knew it was important to go, and, in spite of what I assume was intractable pain, mom had the time of her life. Somehow, ever more cautious than I, my brother sensed she was in worse shape than we knew, and maybe the outing wasn't necessary. Not necessary indeed, but, at least for me, important, as I cling to memories of that dinner -- the last time my mom set foot -- or wheels -- in a restaurant. 

It's an ironic twist of fate, I suppose, that the pall of the pandemic lifted only to make way for a more personal dark cloud. My always beautiful and active and headstrong mother is still fighting, but the battles have been daunting -- even for her. For almost a year, now, she has been confined in a nursing home -- first to a bed and now, against all odds, to a chair, with a daily ten minute stroll around the hallway with her walker. She has accepted this new normal far better than I have; though I watched two grandmothers languish in nursing homes, I never imagined my mother would. Languish, I suppose, is a strong word. She is still who she always was, shouting out orders to anybody within earshot, determined that everything will be done as she deems necessary. Just goes to show, you don't need to wear a St. John suit and carry a Chanel "pocketbook" to be the boss. 

Yesterday, my brother and I celebrated mom's 92nd birthday with her. We brought the restaurant to her, and we pretended everything was "normal." We snagged a couple of residents and aides and nurses to sing happy birthday with us -- not difficult with the promise of cupcakes. Mom seemed particularly fascinated by the number. "Ninety-two," she marveled. "I really should be dead." She said it with her trademark smile, knowing it will take a lot more for her to lose the war.